PuKool is Kool indeed

One Saturday night in Vessel, a trendy San Francisco night club, Alex, a Silicon Valley geek, sat at the bar table next to a beautiful brunette and began an awkward conversation. First, it did not go well. The girl was apparently not impressed with Alex’s looks and body language – he had an unmistakable aura of a geek. But as the conversation progressed the ice began thawing. Alex praised The International, the movie the girl just seen and liked, and they appeared to like the same music and TV shows. Soon, they were dancing and eventually left the club together.

How come a classic geek pulled the trick? He had a secret weapon – his iPhone with a clandestine PuKool application. (PuKool – apparently meaning LookUp spelled backwards – is not available in AppStore and works only on jail-broken iPhones.) Here is how it works. You launch the app and it quickly finds all other iPhones in the room, and identifies their owners by name. You also see the photos and figure out who is who. After you zoom in on one person you can open his or her Facebook, MySpace or LinkedIn profile. This is how Alex learned about Lindsey’s favorite music, actors, movies and pastimes. He hasn’t seen The International; he read the plot synopsis on IMDB. And he did not give a damn about half of her favorite groups – he just memorized their names. Geeks have good memory, don’t they? Then he was ready to seat next to her. And it worked…

It worked for Alex before in a totally different setting, at a Churchill Club event, a gathering of Silicon Valley executives, investors and entrepreneurs. With UpKool, Alex got the list of all attendees with iPhones in their pockets. Checking against Crunch Base he was able to find out that two high-profile venture capitalists with investments in startups complimentary to his own were in attendance. He found them in the crowd, made his elevator pitches and soon got the presentation meetings.

One may wonder how PuKool manages to find other iPhones and identify their wearers. Ever iPhone is WiFi-enabled, and WiFi protocol supports seldom used peer-to-peer mode, when the devices directly talk to each other, without an access point. This mode is not normally used by the unmodified iPhone, but UpKool re-enables it. Pretending it wants to establish a peer-to-peer network, UpKool gets the IP and MAC addresses of all WiFi devices in range.

The second step, from the device ID to the owner’s name, is shrouded in mystery. Apparently, the app’s creators managed to find a weakness in how either Apple’s AppStore or AT&T encodes the names of the users. Either the encryption was cracked or Apple did not encrypt the data at all – the UpKool’s distribution site doesn’t give any details. Neither is the address or telephone number of the company is listed, and no managers’ names are given. The domain name is registered by some Petr Kislodrischenko, and English on the site is not quite right, pointing to apparent Russian origin. Still, in the time of free apps, a growing number of users like Alex are paying $39.95 for the download, and they swear it’s worth every penny.

Letters from Bella Coola

http://picasaweb.google.com/bilbo.2128506/BellaCoola#

http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3396488415/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3397304896/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3397301742/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3397264500/

День первый (суббота, 28 марта)

День приезда – день от'езда считать за один день.

И то если получится... По плану, мы должны были вылететь из Ванкувера в 10 утра, прилететь в 11:30, и успеть пол-дня покататься. Однако, вмешалась погода: снег и нулевая видимость. Самолет в Белла Кулу не пробился и сел вместо того в соседней деревне под названием Anahim Lake. Про деревню я не шучу. Деревня – это даже преувеличение. Аэропорт – это полоса без башни. Аэровокзал – домик в 20 кв.м., из одной комнаты. Ланч нам «подали» на улице – внутрь всем было не поместиться. Да и самолет был под стать – турбо-винтовой, 15 местный. Из Анахима нас повезли по довольно горной заснеженной грунтовой (!!!) дороге в Белла Кулу. Пока добрались, было уже 3 часа дня и кататься было поздно. Да и погода все равно была нелетная. Но мы не расстраивались: снег в день приезда - это прекрасно.

День второй (вск, 29 марта)

Даже если больше покататься не удастся, поездка не прошла даром.

Солнце, голубое небо, ни ветерка, ни облачка. И белый – белый снег насколько хватает глаз. Целина, целина, целина – кругом одна целина. Снега, правда, нападало не то чтобы слишком много: я бы сказал, сантиметров 10 – 20. Фейсшотами и не пахло. Но все равно кайф! Снега более-менее хватало на то, чтобы начать глиссировать. Или спустить мини slough avalance. Короче, мы катались с 9 до 5 (ха-ха) и умудрились сделать 16 спусков. Ноги теперь просто отваливаются. Кстати, о с 9 до 5, у нашего гида на лыжу наклеен стикер со словами: «Моя работа лучше, чем твой отпуск». Прав, подлюка.

Горы чем-то похожи на Чугач на Аляске. Что и не удивительно: и те и другие – это стенки тихоокеанских фьордов. Но по части крутизны на Аляску не тянет. Там я в первый день чуть не умер со страху. Круто было на столько, что казалось, что впору навесить веревку и спускаться по ней дюльфером. Ничего подобного сегодня не было. Ну может градусов 30, в самых крутых местах, и то не слишком часто. А так все в основном easy crusing. Хотя гиды говорят, что все есть: и 40 и 50 и даже 60. Может, мы туда еще доберемся.

Кстати, к вопросу о глиссировании. Ботинки свои, а лыжи здесь выдают казенные, и я решил взять водные, Armada Arg. Они под ботинком шире, чем носок и пятка (reverse camber), и носки смотрят вверх, как и ботинок бухарских евреев. Ощущение довольно интересное. Глиссировать они начинают по чем зря и летят, как по небу. Но карвить на них как-то не получается. И я так и не понял как на них можно быстро перекантовываться. Может, вообще нельзя :-). Но забавно.

Вертолеты здесь такие же, как и на Аляске, 7-местные A-star Eurocopters. И пилот нам достался офигительный. На вид ему лет 50 - 55. В прошлом капитан команды Канадских ВВС по высшему пилотажу на реактивных самолетах. Теперь он ушел в отставку и вытворяет нечто подобное на вертолете, в горах. Пикирование боком, штопор, развороты от стенки. Слава богу, он проделывает эти трюки в одиночку, без нас на борту. Нас он возит вполне цивильно. А без пассажиров на борту явно оттягивается по полной. Вообще не вполне понятно, что доставляет больше удовольствие, спуск или под'ем :-). Летание по горам на вертолете, да еще и с таким пилотом – это нечто.

День третий (пнд., 30 марта)

Нелетная погода: снег и низкая облачность. Пока ждем не развеется ли. Но похоже, сегодня катания не будет. Ладно, мы вчера свое хапнули. Не все коту масленица. На завтра прогноз более благоприятный.

Публика тут довольно забавная. Наш вчерашний гид, Ty, бывший брит, живущий в Канаде лет 20. Работает гидом только зимой. Летом он организтор каскадерских трюков. Его специальность – полеты вниз на тросиках и веревках. Он сам никуда не падает. Он подвязывает на веревочки каскадеров, которые уже в свою очередь падают вниз с 10 этажа разбивая по ходу стекла. Сам он летом занимается более безопасным делом – парапланнингом :-).

В моей группе 2 немца и швейцарец из Цюриха. Немцы катаются офигительно, швейцар – чайник. Но ему на вид лет 70. В молодости, наверное, тоже был мастером. Он большая шишка (член совета директоров) в огромной цементной компании под названием Holcim, командующий всеми ее делами в Азии. Один из немцев владелец небольшой сети магазинов спорт-товаров во Фрайбурге. К двум моим немцам прилагается еще 4, в другой вертолетной группе – они все приехали вместе. Один из них владелец маленькой фирмы по тюьнингу тачек. Они покупают Порше за $400,000 и напидерастивают ее до лимона (!!!), после чего толкают какому нибудь саудовскому принцу. А поскольку по пескам на такой тачке особенно не порассекаешь, то принцу до кучи сдают место в подземном гараже, в Германии, рядом с какой-нибудь гоночной трасспо, всего за $175 в день :-)

Еще один немец прилетел прямо из Бангкока, где у него какой-то странный бизнес по экспорту-импорту вина. Ладно, импорт я еще понимаю. Но экспорт? Таиландское вино??? Он утверждает, что да, есть такое. Что они выращивают аж 2 урожая винограда. и заквашивают его на вино. А потом небось продают в Китай или в Совок под видом французского :-).

Еще одна интересная компания с Wall Streeta. Один чувак владелец небольшой private equity firm, с типичным размером сделок в $50 миллионов, и партнером, который сидит на $10 миллиардах кэша. Кризис ему похоже нипочем. Второй дюд крупнокалиберный маркетинговый консультант. Они притащили с собой собственного гида, аж из Новой Зеландии, а также блондинку, официантку из Вэйла. У банкира, видите ли, там дача. Девушка ему приглянулась и он решил просто пригласить ее на heliskiing. Они зафрахтовали себе отдельный вертолет, чтобы не стоять в очереди с нами, простыми смертными.

День третий (31 марта)
40 см свежего снега!!! 13 спусков
Новозеландский гид сказал, что это был один из лучших дней в его жизни. И это дюд, который катается чуть ли ни каждый день. Бесконечная зима – одна зима в Новой Зеландии, затем еще одна в Швейцарии. Не знаю как оно там у них в Новой Зеландии, но день был и вправду потрясающий! Тонны свежего снега! Powder, powder, powder. Вот теперь я понял, зачем нужны лыжи с инвертированной талией. Глиссируют со страшной силой. Это какой-то полет, а не катание на лыжах. Словами этого все равно не передашь, лучше смотрите фотки:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3402428927/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3402445277/
С нами катался профессиональный и довольно знаменитый лыжный фотограф, Eric Berger. Он наделал вообше офигительные фотки, но он подвесит их только через неделю, когда вернется домой. Интернет здесь через тарелку. Одна его фотка сожрет месячную upload квоту всего отеля. Один из владельцев конторы, Beat Steiner (он тоже был сегодня в одном вертолете с нами), также довольно известный оператор. Он снимал всех знаменитостей: Doug Coombs, Seth Morrison, Shane McKonkey… Изрядное количество эпизодов в фильмах типа Steep сделаны здесь. Местные утверждают, что Shane сделал свой первый ski + base jump здесь, в Белла Куле. Тогда он не пытался отстегивать лыжи в воздухе :-(

День четвертый (1 апреля)
Блин! Голубое небо, тонны снега, а мы сидим в лодже и не можем лететь. Вчера какой-то (ч)удак жрал сникерс в вертолете, и накрошил. Вертолет ночует просто на краю лужайки, рядом с лесом, и ночью пришел медведь, учуял запах шоколадки и вломился в вертолет. При этом он разорвал сиденья и главное сорвал дверь с петель, а без двери летать не положено. Теперь хозяин конторы лихорадочно звонит по округе и пытается найти новую дверь. Пока, быстрее, чем за 3-4 дня никто не берется найти замену. Похоже, остаток отпуска накрылся медным тазом.

Хе-хе… обратите внимание на дату :-)
Если серьезно, снег. День отдыха.

День пятый (2 апреля)
Снег утром, но к полудню начало разгуливаться и мы поехали. Переменная облачность, временами тучи и снег. Но под конец дня стало просто солнечно. Целина. 7 спусков.

День шестой (3 апреля) и последний :-(
Солнце, снег, 13 спусков. Просто фантастика! Не то чтобы целина по пояс, скорее сантиметров 20 -30, но снег настолько мягкий, а лыжи настолько широкие, что это уже не важно. Все равно происходит какой-то полет по поверхности. И наконец-то несколько раз заехали на относительно крутые склоны, градусов 40 – 45. При этом абсолютно не тронутые. На первом же повороте на крутяке спускаешь slough avalanche, но сегодня мне удавалось ехать быстрее, чем slough. Забавное ощущение: фигачишь вниз, и чувствуешь, как она за тобою шевелится...

И красота фантастическая...

На прощание наш пилот решил прокатить нас с ветерком. Это было нечто. Несколько раз он проскакивал в дырку между скал, а потом пикировал вниз.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3410844802/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3410843444/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3410838478/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/helisports/3410908746/

Higgins Speech Technologies Introduces First Automated Accent Improvement System

April 1, 2008

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – Today Higgins Speech Technologies, LLC, a privately held startup company here, announces availability of its innovative speech service, Higgins, on two partner networks, Google Talk and Skype. Higgins is sophisticated artificial intelligence software that automatically corrects accents of non-native speakers’, making them sound as proper English.

Named after Henry Higgins, a phonetics professor of Bernard Shaw’s play Pygmalion, Higgins, the software, promises to offer to millions of users world-wide what Higgins, the professor, offered to Eliza Doolittle – namely, ameliorate accents.

Although closely related to speech-to-text software, Higgins is substantially different. Higgins is speech-to-speech software; it transforms accented speech sounds into speech sounds that sound as native English.

Notably, Higgins achieves this without attempting to recognize relationships between sounds and written words. When Higgins hears a word it does not know what the word means, but it can repeat it almost without accent.

Higgins is based on sophisticated machine learning (ML) algorithms. As the name tells it, the software analyzes huge sets of data – called training corpora in the industry parlance – and deduces millions of statistical dependencies. In a sense, it learns the rules of the game, by example.

Machine learning has been extensively applied to analyzing and processing written text. E.g., famous Google’s “Did you mean?” spelling corrector is based on this approach. When analyzing written text, a ML system would be fed millions of random documents written in a specific language. It would then quickly learn that certain sequences of letters occur much more often than others. E.g., it would learn that Pigmalion almost never occurs, while Pygmalion is quite common. The spelling corrector would then suggest a user who typed Pigmalion to change it to Pygmalion. Notably, it will do it without consulting Webster dictionary and knowing anything about what Pygmalion means.

Essentially, Higgins Accent Improvement System does to sounds what Google spellchecker does to written words. Before becoming operational, Higgins is trained on a huge corpus of digital recordings made by native English speakers, as well as by people with accents. It learns that certain short sound bites – lasting about 1 second and typically representing one syllable – occur very often while others almost never. When training is completed, Higgins is ready to correct pronunciation.

This unique approach has a number of tremendous advantages. Firstly, though only American English – or “CNN English” – is currently supported, it can be trained to correct accents in almost any other language. All is needed is to feed Higgins hours of recordings made by native speakers of French, German, Finnish or Swahili.

Secondly, Higgins preserves speaker’s individuality. It does not replace accented word with a recording made by a CNN anchor. It analyzes wave-fronts, as well as wavelet transforms, and slightly reshapes them. An abnormal wave-front is gently pushed towards more common one, using what is known in the industry as simulated annealing algorithms. As a result, male voices remain distinctly male; high pitch remains high; and intonations do not change much either. In most cases, one can still recognize the speaker. It is still Eliza Doolittle, but now she speaks Queen’s English, not Cockney.

Though providing reasonable quality out of the box, Higgins works better if trained on typical accents. Currently, Chinese, Indian, French and Russian are supported.

The drawback of Higgins approach is that to work in almost real-time – currently, the delay is barely noticeable, being similar to average over the Internet conversations – Higgins requires huge computational resources. Currently, there are only two public networks in the world that can deliver adequate throughput: Skype, owned by eBay (NASDAQ: EBAY), with 276 million registered users around the world, and Google Talk, operated by Google, Inc. (NASDAQ: GOOG). Higgins is also licensing its technology to Tandberg of Lysaker, Norway, a leading provider of high-definition telepresence video-conferencing equipment.

“We are honored to work with the leaders of the industry, and grateful to Google and Skype for selecting our technology,” – said Ashutosh Gupta, CEO and co-founder of Higgins. “We hope our service will help millions of users around the world to communicate more easily, reducing misunderstanding and increasing productivity of remote meetings.”

“Modern knowledge economy implies unimpeded exchange of information between team members working in remote locations. Strong accents, combined with often poor quality of cellular phone connections, legacy long-distance telephone networks and video conferencing equipment, makes such meetings annoying and unproductive.”

“I flew 4 times to Bangalore and 3 times to St. Petersburg in the last year alone, to have face-to-face meetings with my colleagues in our remote development offices there,” – said Fritz Flugzeugbauer, an engineering manager at Motorola (NYSE: MOT) in Sunnyvale, Calif. “The pain and irritation of talking to them over the phone often overweighs the inconvenience of a 19-hour flight in an economy seat, battling horrible jetlag caused by adjusting to 11 hour time difference, surviving 100F (38C) heat or -40F(-40C) cold, 3-hour commutes in bumper-to-bumper traffic, thickening pollution, smoke-filled restaurants, cruelly hot spicy food, vodka by the glasses, and so on. If audio- and videoconferencing equipment provided the same quality of human interactions as face-to-face meetings most of these trips would not happened.”

“Now, with Higgins, it is better than face-to-face,” – continues Petr Kislodrishtchenko, Higgins’s CTO. “When we were Beta-testing our system at a major American corporation, we noticed that workers of Russian, Indian and Chinese origin began scheduling video-conferencing meetings over Tandberg, though all of them were on the same campus, sometimes being only blocks away from each other.”

“Realizing this opportunity, Rhonda, a Motorola’s outsourcing contractor in Vladivostok, Russia, is Beta-testing embedded client application for Google’s Android platform that would improve productivity of face-to-face meetings. Since computational power of a mobile phone is insufficient for real-time processing the conversation will be wirelessly transmitted to Google servers, processed and sent back, all in real time. The company plans to release the application shortly after first Android phones hit the streets.”

However, it is Higgins’s potential to cut on un-needed travel that attracted attention of Al Gore, former Vice President and Nobel Prize winner, who agreed to join Higgins’s Board of Directors, to represent Kleiner Perkins Caufield and Byers, a legendary venture capital firm where he is a Partner, and which made an investment into the company.

“We are excited with Higgins’s potential,” – said Al Gore. “Not only will it help companies world-wide to save billions of in travel costs, it will help humanity to reduce airline fuel consumption, thus restricting carbon dioxide emissions. Recent NASA climate models indicate that deploying Higgins on Skype and Google Talk alone will result in reducing CO2 emissions by 3.14 billion metric tons over the next 21 years. This, in turn, will translate into lowering the Earth’s temperature by 0.2718C.”

Diamonds are forever

April 1, 2006

The LifeGem is an artificial diamond created from the ashes of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life. You wear it as a ring, necklace, or tie tack:

http://www.lifegem.com/

“A tie tack?” – chuckled Lev Blanch whose wife Lynn recently died in a motorcycle accident. “I have not worn a tie for 12 years between my wedding and Lynn’s memorial service; and will not likely wear one for the next 12 years. I’d rather have Lynn’s ashes embedded into something I touch more often, and in more critical moments of my life.” So, Lev, an avid windsurfer, commissioned LifeGem to convert carbon of Lynn’s ashes into carbon fiber, which was subsequently incorporated into a custom carbon mast for his windsurfer gear. “Now, every time I go for a back loop on a 12 foot wave I depend on Lynn for my survival, as I did when she was alive. I’ve always known that I could count on her.”

First MP3 virus infects millions of iPods

The virus rapidly spreads trough Grokster, Kazaa, BearShare and other popular P2P networks, jumping from iTunes software to iPods. RIAA denies involvement.

April 1, 2005

When Josh Smith, 17, turned on his iPod on his way to school this morning nothing sounded suspicious. He was happily pedaling his bike while enjoying his favorite Nirvana songs. Then, some 30 seconds into the song, the Nirvana music faded and new music appeared. Violins, many violins. “It was disgusting. I almost choked. I haven’t been exposed to such nasty music for many years. It was like a torment.” (It was later confirmed that the boy was exposed to Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons”.) “I first thought it was just one corrupted song; that somebody played a joke on me”, - continued Mr. Smith who then sheepishly admitted that he had recently downloaded “few dozen songs” from Kazaa. “I skipped the song. Things returned to normal. Then, suddenly, more violins, and then the organ. Yikes! I began browsing through my iPod: at least half of my songs have been vandalized. Vivaldi, Bach, Mozart, jazz, country, blue grass – my entire collection was ruined.”

“We are facing a massive worm attack on popular P2P networks,” – confirms Eugene Kaspersky, the Head of Virus Research at Kaspersky Labs. “This is apparently the first successful mp3 virus.” It was widely believed that mp3 standard was virus-safe. It appears that somebody managed to find and exploit a vulnerability in iPod’s embedded software, which lacks the level of anti-virus protection of large desktop operating systems. Playing an infected song causes iPod’s buffer overflow and malicious code sneaks into the iPod. When synchronized, the virus jumps into iTunes software client. It then connects to a remote server that uploads more malicious code, which in turn infects more mp3 files stored on the hard drive. And that is not whole story. The virus apparently scans the PC for Grokster, Kazaa, BitTorrent or other file-sharing software. If it finds it it copies itself onto other computers on the network. As a result, about 10% to 15% of all files on the major networks are infected. “Apparently, the virus writers released the virus a few weeks ago, and when it has widely spread they suddenly activated the payload”, - suggests Mr. Kaspersky.

Although the virus is easily detectable removing it is problematic. Kaspersky Labs and other anti-virus companies shall be able to come up with software that removes the virus from the PCs. Unfortunately, this does not help. The virus remains on iPod and would copy itself on iTunes at the next synch. And removing it from iPods seems to be beyond the reach of virus hunters. iPod runs a proprietary embedded OS developed by Pixo. Kaspersky, Symantec and other anti-virus companies have no experience with it. Besides, it’s a closed platform; the documentation is sparse at best. Few industry insiders even went as far as to hint that Pixo might be behind the attack: the disagreement between Pixo and Apple is an open secret in Silicon Valley. Pixo believes that Apple has not properly compensated it. Since such allegations would be next to impossible to substantiate it doesn’t make sense even to ask Pixo to rebuff them.

Other conspiracy theorist was quick to point to RIAA, the music industry consortium, currently battling Grokster in Supreme Court. Its representative has denied the allegations. This has not convinced some: the music industry has recently bankrolled a couple of secretive software start-ups whose apparent goal was to hack the file-sharing networks.

The latest reports from the field seem to affirm Pixo’s and RIAA innocence: a new type of malicious payload has been reported. A number of iPod owners had their songs interrupted by radio-style advertising. Ads hawking Viagra, penis enlargement pills and porno sites have been reported. When you correspondent called the provided phone number he was indeed offered to purchase Viagra. The phone number appeared to be rented from Skype (through its Beta SkypeIn service) and judging by the accent of the salesmen was terminated somewhere in Eastern Europe. Asked if the company is afraid of legal action, the representative brazenly replied that people who steal copyrighted music won’t dare to appear in court, even if they manage to figure out in which country.

“When the infected mp3 file is played, the sound quality is somehow affected by the virus. If you suspect that your song sounds a bit differently, turn off your iPod immediately,” – suggests Apple’s Benjamin Miller. “In about 15 seconds the virus copies itself onto the iPod. After that, the best you can do is to throw your iPod away and buy a new one.”

“This is only a prelude of things to come”, comments computer security expert Bruce Schneier. “Proprietary embedded systems are hackers’ paradise. Next year, expect full-fledged 30 sec Viagra TV commercials on your TiVo”.

Can you outsource vacuum cleaning to Russia?

April 1, 2004

Data entry, software development, customer support, call centers, tax preparation – any type of work that can be done remotely has been outsourced to India, China or Russia. What is next?

Vacuum cleaning the floors of America seems to be an unlikely candidate. You need to be physically present to operate the vacuum cleaner. American robotics manufacturer iRobot, Inc. and the Russian space agency beg to differ. A fleet of iRobot’s vastly popular Roomba robotic vacuum cleaners will be remotely operated out of semi-abandoned space flight control center in Plesetsk, a remote town in the Russian frigid far North, beyond the Polar circle.

While iRobot’s Roomba Floorvacs (http://www.roombavac.com/products/default.asp ) can operate completely autonomously, sometimes additional remote control could be beneficial, especially when sweeping the floors of factories, office spaces divided by cubicles, warehouses and other businesses. To address this market, iRobot announced a new model of Roomba, complete with the remote control and inexpensive wireless camera.

To capitalize on the growing a ubiquity of WiFi wireless LANs, iRobot cleverly choose WiFi as a communication medium, thus allowing connecting the robo vacs to the enterprise LANs and on to the Internet. As a result, the floor sweepers can be controlled from any in the world.

In a joint venture with the Russian space agency, a remote control center will be set in Plesetsk (plesetsk.org) and staffed by local cadres. The choice of Plesetsk is not accidental. One reason is that the salaries in Plesetsk are much lower than in Moscow: $200 a month is viewed as a rather generous pay. The main reason however is the available infrastructure and abundance of highly qualified workers trained to remotely operate Russian military and civilian satellites and even the Lunokhod (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lunokhod_1), the Russian Moon rover. Being similar to American Opportunity and Spirit Mars rover, the Lunokhods roamed the surface of the Moon in early ‘70s.

“After finding the path between the huge boulders 300,000 mi away, in 1/6 gravity, navigating the floors of Boeing assembly plant in Seattle will be like walk in the park,”- says Fedor Krivoruchko, 62, who had to sell vodka and sausage as a street vendor after he was laid off from the space center as Russian space program was drastically downsized following the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Did Saddam get Russian GPS jammers? The answer is at a Moscow strip club.

If Saddam did get Russian GPS jammers it was rusty rubbish. For the modern stuff, look at Moscow casinos, strip clubs and brothels.

April 1, 2003

“Honey, I never knew you were that fond of classical music,“ the voice of my girlfriend woke me up in my hotel room in Moscow, “I wouldn’t expect you to go listen to Shostakovich Sixth Symphony on Friday night. Did you enjoy it?”

“uh-hu… err… How did you know where I was last night?”

“Easy, darling. Remember, when you arrived in Moscow and rented your mobile phone you subscribed for a people finder service. If something happens to you, well, kidnapped or in trouble, I would know where you are and would direct police or security guys to your rescue. Well, yesterday I felt uneasy and decided to check the web site of the mobile operator. It showed that you were at Bolshaya Nikitskaya 13, and that was Bolshoi Conservatory Hall.”

“Oh, well, it really works … amazing… now I really feel protected. And you would no longer worry about me. Great.”

What the hell is going on, I asked myself. Conservatory Hall? Shostakovich Sixth Symphony? Damn, I was at Hungry Duck, the dirtiest hole in Moscow! Drunk Russian girls dancing on the table, completely naked. Hookers and stuff… vodka by the glasses…

I rushed to the mobile operator’s web site. Yes, indeed, the log showed that on Friday night I was at Bolshoi Conservatory Hall! It was worth an investigation.

Calls to the Conservatory Hall and BeeLine, the mobile operator, lead to nowhere. Folks at Hungry Duck also refused to tell me anything over the phone but hinted that I may find out something if I’d drop by in person and talk to their security.

“You should thank us, fellow. We probably saved your marriage. Or was it your girlfriend? You don’t care? Whatever,” the security guy laughed loudly, after he drank, in one gulp, a double shot of Stoli I bought him. “You, studs, tell your wives that you are at Bolshoi and come here to screw around. It takes them only one visit to BeeLine’s web site to find out that you’re cheating on them. Patrons do not like it. It’s bad for business.”

“Well, luckily, we found a solution. One Russian company, formerly a top-secret defense contractor, makes great boxes. You hang one by the ceiling, and it jams the GPS satellite receiver in your mobile phone. You know, the old stuff like that would just make the GPS receiver inoperable. The stuff we got is smarter. It fools the receiver. The signal is so strong that it completely overwrites the faint signal from the satellite. I would enter any longitude / latitude in the box and your GPS receiver would obligingly report it back to the mobile operator.”

“Wait a minute,” a dark thought crossed my mind, “A GPS jammer? A Russian defense contractor? One that was accused of selling GPS jammers to Saddam Hussein? What did they call it? Aviaconversia?”

“Err…, no, buddy, I didn’t tell you that,” the security dude replied, quickly glancing around. “But I tell you one thing. If Saddam gets the box that hangs by my ceiling, you Americans are in deep trouble. Your Cruise missiles would fly back home. Funny, isn’t that?” – he chuckled. “Or they would hit unexpected targets, whatever Saddam enters into the jammer. And, you know, the guy is wicked, he gassed his own people with Sarin. He could direct your missile on his folks again, to rally your greenie and leftie fools against the war, and Bush government.”

“But, you now, friend,” the security guy continued. Three empty glasses were now lined up in front of him on the counter. “The old comrades, from the organization, you know, those comrades who build these smart boxes, I don’t think they sold any of this stuff to Saddam lately. We have our own problems with Muslims. Chechnya and stuff, you know. Well, honestly, Osama or not, the guys would probably sell their mothers if you paid them enough cash. But this stuff is expensive, I tell you. Saddam doesn’t seem to have enough dough to pay for many boxes.”

“The old comrades are now good capitalists. They go wherever the market is. And the market is here. Nightclubs, casinos, whorehouses. There is even an inexpensive short-range model that covers like 30 meters. People say some classy call girls carry them in their purses.”

“Well, enough said. I have some business to attend. And look at this beauty in the corner. She’s been glancing at you for the last quarter hour. Go talk to her. She likes American students.”

“Don’t worry, your girlfriend in Vermont – what? sorry – Wisconsin would never know. You are at Le Club tonight, listening to Alexei Kozlov’s Arsenal jazz quartet.”